


I had a nightmare about my old days

by felixsunshine



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is Whipped, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, felix likes to put on makeup, its a school for boys only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29189202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixsunshine/pseuds/felixsunshine
Summary: "I won't let them do this to you again, ever," Chan didn't know why he was making such a serious promise, but he felt in his heart that he needed to say that. When someone makes a promise that is almost impossible, they're most likely to be lying. But Chan was willing to dedicate himself.or: Chan constantly gets into fights. Felix is just trying to be himself. Both are doomed to suffer, but even with social pressure, they can understand the true meaning of love and youth.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 19
Kudos: 138





	1. so beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> hello! first, took a look at the warnings right?! there are scenes of violence (not among chanlix, of course), big mentions of homophobia and they're sensitive topics for some people so be careful! please!
> 
> this is a story inspired by a movie called "your name engraved herein", as well as some songs too.
> 
> anyway, i hope you like this.
> 
> with love.

It was one of those days. Chan was so, _so_ tired.

It was probably the third time he laid his head on the pillow and couldn't even close his eyes. His thoughts seemed to be in an endless fight, and apparently quite dedicated to making him not sleep that night. Just like almost every night.

He sighed and decided to got up. A little too quickly for his mind to process.

Water. Perhaps having a glass of water would be enough to ease his mind. Or maybe milk, people say that milk helps you sleep. Interestingly he never tried, if there is anything that will make him sleep he should definitely give it a try.

He walked to the door, opening slowly, took a small look at Hyunjin, who slept soundly in the bed right next to his, and then immediately left the room without making a sound. The hallways were quite empty at dawn, the security guards didn't give a damn if something happened. Many of them spent the night playing chess, or even sleeping, and fuck the students or whatever they do. Something good, because he could go and drink his water in peace.

Studying at a boys' school was definitely something from the last century, but Chan had no choice, never had a choice. His dear father put him in the strictest school in the city in order to make him follow a certain path, with the aim that Chan "would fix his life" or else his father would kill him.

His family has always been perfect, as you can see.

Just because he got some tattoos and there were rumors about him liking men, his father became the monster that no one could suspect. The funny thing is that he didn't even need confirmation of any of the rumors for his father to start hitting him. Chan accepted, quietly. He was never someone to disrespect his elders. With anyone else, he does the opposite. Chan usually gather many enemies, but honestly, it's not his fault, people get into a fight with him and he just can't accept it. Although he really should control himself sometimes.

The good and funny part of the story is that studying at a boys only school made him sure that he _really_ wasn't straight. I mean, seeing boys without a shirt almost every day doesn't help.

As he walked down the hallway, he heard small grunts from someone not far away, along with voices that seemed quite angry.

Chan never escaped a mess, it would be no different today. He walked to the left, the opposite of where he should go, and the voices grew louder. Maybe that was the reason he couldn't sleep tonight, the universe had a mission for him, or just a way to fuck him even more.

Arriving in the bathroom, he came face to face with two boys, one holding a baseball bat and the other just watching. He also saw another boy lying on the floor, groaning in pain. The two boys were hitting him and saying horrible nicknames, making Chan's blood pulse.

The bad part of the story is that studying at a boys only school made him see that they're _idiots_ all the time.

"Christopher, good to see you here," one of the boys said. Chan was known at school and knew that, sometimes he even hated it. Even more knowing this asshole was calling him by his name as if he were someone close to him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Chan said, his eyes half closed, trying hard to keep himself from causing a scene. "Give me that."

Chan took a quick look at the boy on the floor, who looked scared, furious and sad at the same time. This scene reminded him of home, where his father did the same thing to him. But not at school, at school people were intimidated by Chan and he felt safe somehow.

"Do you want to beat him too?" one of them replied, laughing. Almost in the same second, Chan approached holding the collar of his shirt pulling him close, pressing him against the wall.

Chan didn't really know how to control his anger.

"Leave the fucking boy alone or that stick goes on _you_ and not him," Chan said, his tone calm as usual. It wasn't his first fight and it wouldn't be the last.

His fist went straight to the first guy's jaw, making him drop the baseball bat on the floor and immediately bleed. The boy tried to fight back with his nose all dirty and managed to hit Chan twice, one of them in the belly with some sharp object, but Chan was faster and punched his face nonstop on the ground, right on top of him. When he felt another punch coming from above, he saw that it was the boy's friend who was trying to knock him down now. Chan stood up and hit the boy's face on one of the bathroom's door, causing him to immediately cry out in pain.

After that, Chan went to the floor quickly and picked up the baseball bat showing that the object now belonged to him, and that he could finish killing them both right now. The two boys understood and started to walk out the door, their eyes full of anger.

"This isn't over, remember this," one of the boys said. Same old shit, Chan was used to fights. The two left for good, leaving only Chan and the injured boy on the floor, who had watched everything scared.

Chan finally managed to sigh, a weight coming off his shoulders. He should stop playing the punisher sometimes. He dropped the stick on the floor and calmly went to the boy sitting there.

"Are you okay? Did I arrive too late?" Chan asked a little breathless, crouching down to sit on the floor next him. He felt a small burning in his belly, but decided to ignore it, he would deal with it later.

"Just in time," the boy replied, looking lost. "I should be asking that, are you okay? You look pretty hurt."

Chan looked at the boy and for a few seconds he couldn't say anything, there was blood running down his head. The boy's nose was bleeding too, he had some bruises on his arms but above all Chan noticed his innocent look. The boy's gaze was, at the same time, intense, and Chan almost felt dizzy for a moment.

"Why would they do that to you?" he asked, still angry. He took the opportunity to calmly get up and take a roll of paper. He went to the sink and doused with water. _Great fucking idea_ to wet a paper but it was the only thing he had there.

Chan then had a better idea and took off his shirt, leaving nothing on top and dipping the shirt in water. Now maybe that will solve it.

He went towards the boy and slowly placed the wet fabric on one of the bruises on his head. The boy was staring at his also bruised and defined abdomen, he could feel it, but Chan didn't care. He also took the opportunity to clean the blood with the leftover paper he had taken. The boy still looked scared, but he accepted help without saying anything. Chan felt the need to protect the boy and didn't know why.

"Because of a fucking lipstick," the boy said, taking the object from his pocket showing Chan. It was a red lipstick. The boy threw the lipstick away, angrily. "I just wanted to see how it would look on me."

It was only when the boy said this that Chan realized his lips were really a little red because of the lipstick.

 _Beautiful_.

 _That's how it looks on you_ , Chan wants to say.

_So beautiful._

Chan stopped wiping the blood on his forehead for a moment and his attention was turned to the boy's lips. Chan didn't want him to feel uncomfortable so he quickly took his focus off.

"I won't let them do this to you again, ever," Chan didn't know why he was making such a serious promise, but he felt in his heart that he needed to say that. When someone makes a promise that is almost impossible, they're most likely to be lying. But Chan was willing to dedicate himself.

The boy stared at him for a second, they remained silent until he finally stood up.

"I need to get back to my room," the boy said, groaning in pain as he walked away. "I'm _really_ sorry."

When the boy was almost at the door, Chan managed to ask in time.

"Can I get your name?" he asked, afraid that he wouldn't find the boy again in that huge school.

"Felix," the boy said, giving Chan one last look.

Felix disappeared through the door, as fast as Chan got himself into this mess. Chan took the opportunity to sit completely on the floor and place the same wet cloth on the wound in his abdomen. One of those assholes had something sharp and Chan could have died or something.

He sighed again. Chan was pretty fucked up.

But Felix was fine, so that's everything that matters.


	2. a flawless ending

Just because he is used to fights doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The wound on his abdomen was starting to burn a lot. And worse, the blood kept coming out. Not much, but enough to kinda worry Chan.

Fuck. Chan never liked to see blood. He never liked going to the doctor, never wanted to be a nurse. But life forced him to always see one of them. He wouldn't go to the school nurse, there should be no one there anyway.

He did the only thing he could under those conditions: go back to his room and try not to wake Hyunjin.

He got up calmly. He took the wet cloth off the wound and noticed that it had a lot of blood, but he could also see the cut wasn't that deep.

Try not to wake up Hyunjin? _Sigh_. The boy was already awake, and as soon as he saw Chan his gaze became one of complete concern.

Chan tried to smile to calm him down, but he knew he didn't look that well.

"I can explain," Chan tried to say. Hyunjin just made a noise that Chan couldn't understand what it meant. The boy stood up and wrapped his arms around Chan, trying to hold him and guide him to the nearest bed.

"You're unbelievable," Hyunjin said, adjusting his pillow so Chan could support his head and lay down completely.

Hyunjin is a good friend. They were even more than that. If Chan is completely honest, he helped to get rid of his denial about liking boys. Chan wasn't always well resolved that way, there were still many demons who liked to play with his mind. But before, the fear of disappointing his father was so big that he couldn't bear it. Now, he saw that even if he were the perfect son, his father would never be happy.

He's very lucky to have Hyunjin as his roommate. A boy who didn't judge him. A boy who helped him whenever Chan entered that door with an injury. A boy who would always be there, no matter what the fuck Chan does.

There were times when he lost patience with Chan, but he always understood.

Hyunjin got up and searched for a small bag with some objects just for those situations. Yeah, he had a bag for when Chan came back to the room _like that_.

Bandages, ointments, medicines, needles, cotton.

"Are you trying to kill yourself? Is that it?" Hyunjin's tone was a little harsh than normal, but Chan always understood. It must be hard to deal with him. "What was the fight about this time?"

He sat down again next to Chan and took the cloth out of his hand, throwing it in a plastic bag. Hyunjin took a small look at his abdomen, running his hand around to see how Chan reacted. He saw Hyunjin sigh, worried. Soon after, he also took a look at his head. He dipped a cotton wool with some water (or alcohol?) that Chan just remembered that it burned, and pressed on the cut.

Oh, _right_. Hydrogen peroxide, Hyunjin had already explained it to him once.

"A boy," Chan managed to reply. He started to breathe faster, as it burned _as hell_ , but he trusted what Hyunjin was doing.

"Of course," Hyunjin replied, bitterly. He continued to pass that liquid over Chan's belly, cleaning all the blood around it.

He took a bandage, put some cotton around and carefully positioned it on top. Only one was not enough, so he put two, _three_ to cover completely. It was nothing professional, but it would stop the blood and Chan was grateful.

Now it was time to take care of the head, but Hyunjin wiped his hands first.

"Why?" Hyunjin asked, he didn't specify the question, but Chan thinks he understood. The younger boy was so tired and looked so worried that Chan felt bad.

"Because he was so beautiful," now _that_ made Hyunjin laugh. It wasn't a genuine laugh, he looked more like desperate. Chan couldn't do anything but laugh, too.

"You can't always fight when the story involves some cute boy, Chan. That's not how it works," he replied. He slid his hands down the boy's face, he was looking for some other sign of blood, but he was also just _looking_ at Chan _trying_ to understand him. Almost pleading with his eyes.

"Jinnie," Chan said, pulling him close. "Come here."

Chan leaned over sitting on the bed, and then immediately pulled Hyunjin into a hug.

The warmth was enough to calm them both.

He missed being like this with Hyunjin.

Lastly, Chan held his face and kissed his cheek, smiling.

"I'm sorry for worring you," he said, and he really did. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not, I know when you're lying," Hyunjin said. The boy quickly recovered and went back to looking for bandages to put on his head. Looking kinda lost.

"Can you at least trust me?" Chan asked, trying to convince him that he was okay.

He was fine, wasn't he?

He thinks so.

"I'm just afraid something will happen to you," Hyunjin said, genuinely.

"Nothing is going to happen to me," Chan assured once again.

Hyunjin went back to cleaning the wounds on his forehead now. Ensuring that nothing gets infected.

Chan leaned over again and kissed the boy's forehead. He hopes the boy knows how grateful he is for having him. How sorry he is for worrying him.

Once again he was making a promise he didn't know if he could keep.

* * *

A few days later, Chan meets Felix at one of the swimming lessons. Did they already have classes together? How did Chan never notice the boy? Well, it doesn't matter now. The freckled boy looked like someone else, he was smiling and beside some other boy, probably his friend or roommate.

Chan tried, but he couldn't take his eyes off him. He was thin but he also had a defined abdomen. His hair was dark blond and it was nice to see him smile. It was good to completely destroy that image from the last time, he would never forget the way his eyes asked for help and at the same time were so beautiful, mesmerizing.

His focus was quickly interrupted by the teacher's screams for everyone to shut up. Swimming lessons don't have a lot of people, but Hyunjin wouldn't be there. By the way, his injury was improving, all thanks to the boy's care.

Among all the classes, maybe this is the one that Chan likes most (or least hates?). Swimming has always brought him peace, makes him forget his problems. He felt he belonged to the sea. It's very difficult to explain the inner peace he feels when he enters the water.

Just before entering the pool, he made eye contact with Felix for the first time since the incident. The boy looked as surprised as he did.

He put his feet in the water and without wasting time, his body too. He dived deeply, taking a second, two, three, four, five...

Peace.

He needed this.

Upon returning to the surface, he looked for Felix again and saw that the boy was coming towards him. He felt thirteen again being nervous when talking to boys.

"Hey," the boy smiled at him as he said. "You look better."

"I'm surviving," Chan replied, wiping his face with water. And before Chan could ask how he was doing, the boy interrupted him.

"Look, that day, I didn't thank you for saving me from getting beaten up a lot worse. So, I'm saying now, thank you, Chan," the boy said, a little too quickly. The fact that he already knew his name shocked him, but it shouldn't, because he was known. "And I'm really sorry for getting you into this mess."

"You don't have to thank me or apologize for anything. Everything I did was because I wanted," Chan admitted. "And I'm happy that you're okay now."

He smiled. If happiness was a person, it would definitely be Felix.

The boy dived into the pool putting his whole body there, and Chan decided to do the same, meeting him under the water.

Opening his eyes, Chan could see that Felix also had a good stamina to stay here. The two just exchanged looks and that made Chan more and more curious. He couldn't stop looking at him.

He wanted to know the boy, he wanted to know everything about him. He wanted to have him around to fulfill his promise to protect him.

They soon returned to the surface, recovering their breath. The two burst out laughing. Swimming lessons were definitely the best.

After taking enough breath, Chan plunged into the water again and as soon as he opened his eyes Felix was looking at him underwater. The two were competing to see who could stay the longest, testing their lung capacity.

And it was fun.

He felt even more intimate with the water.

And with the boy.

Soon they got tired and decided to look around, all the students were budy doing specific exercises. They were more than lost. Thankfully, the teacher didn't care so much about them.

"Meet me in the schoolyard at dawn, about two in the morning, if you can," was the last thing Felix said until he returned to his friend's side. His friend seemed to be scanning Chan, not with a furious look but more like _"be careful what you're doing"_.

Chan didn't know what he was doing.

* * *

Hyunjin was sleeping while Chan was getting ready to leave. He should have warned the younger boy but honestly, he didn't want to worry him again. It's not like he's doing anything wrong, right? Or at least, it was nothing to put him in danger.

He shouldn't even go out with a person he barely knows, definitely knowing how fucked up this school was. But he never knew how to make the right decisions.

Trying to look as decent as possible, he put on a black shirt and pants, his usual style. It's not like it's a date, but just the thought of meeting Felix made him sweat.

Carefully, he went to the backyard. It was empty, as usual. After about 5 minutes (which felt more like hours), he saw Felix coming towards him. The boy wore a simple white blouse, blue jeans and was so, _so_ beautiful. His attention went directly to the boy's lips that were shining subtly, even with the lack of light. It was probably the same lipstick from the last time or... _no_ , maybe not. It was pink this time. Delicate, and it suited him.

"You'll love meeting my friends," Felix said. The boy then took Chan's hand and pulled him to the wall that was right in front of them.

It wasn't difficult to leave the school whenever they wanted, as he said before the security guards don't even care for the students, especially so late, but not everyone has the courage to _really_ leave. It had been a while since Chan left school, and he was surprised that Felix was actually proving to be the free soul he seems to be.

He was the first to try to jump over the wall, and when he managed to sit between the school and the street, he held out his hand so Chan could take it. Chan didn't even need help to climb, as he always jumped very high, but it was another opportunity to hold the boy's hand.

Not far ahead, Chan saw about 6 people waiting on the sidewalk. Some with drinks, others smoking, some just smiling. It made Chan curious about why Felix was studying at that school, out of so many better ones. Clearly he had a life outside, right? Perhaps his parents were also extremely strict? He really had no idea. By the way, he didn't even like to go out, his life was based on school, fights, sadness, Hyunjin and a little bit of hope. But maybe he needed this, he needed to meet new people.

He had a deep voice in his head that was saying: _don't hesitate_.

He just wanted to live one day at a time, without hesitation.

Felix introduced him to his friends, he doesn't remember all the names. Changbin and Jisung were a couple, there were two other boys who apparently like each other but didn't want to admit it, and two more girls who were friends with them for a long time. They would walk around the city with no destination in mind, just streetlights to keep them company.

Fresh air.

Chan didn't know how much Felix had told his friends, if they knew he had boys beating him. They were all very kind and young, Chan never had many friends so it was nice to meet some new souls.

It didn't take long for them to start the real fun, Changbin and Jisung making out on one side. Felix talking and smoking with another friend just ahead (Seungmin? If he remembers correctly). And one of the girls sitting next to Chan, who was just watching the big blue sky.

The girl clearly had no idea that Chan liked boys, or maybe she was just trying to figure out if Chan had any interest in her. They started small talk, Chan found out how long she has known Felix and she even asked why he was here tonight. Chan didn't know it either. She even became a little too touchy, but when she realized that Chan was anything but excited, she got the message.

Chan felt Felix's eyes on him as he talked to the girl, a strange look. He didn't know if he was doing something wrong, if he was imagining things, he didn't know if Felix had understood something different. But after a while the boy finally took the courage to sit next to him.

Felix said nothing, just sighed and took Chan's hand, intertwining their fingers.

"I really love the tattoos on your hand," he said, paying attention to every detail. Chan just smirked, the warmth of his hand on Felix's was all he needed to stop overthinking.

"Why did you bring me here?" it was the first thing his brain thought to ask.

"I wanted to put a flawless ending to our first meeting. The first time wasn't good, so consider today the first day we met," Felix said, smiling at Chan.

Now so close, Chan could see some other details on his face. Maybe Felix liked to put on makeup, because his eyelashes were a little longer than usual. His freckles were a little less visible so maybe he had something on his skin, and he had a black outline around his eyes. What stood out the most was his pink mouth. Chan almost wanted to touch.

Almost.

"Okay, I'll consider, baby," he had no idea where the nickname came from, but he hopes he hasn't offended Felix or anything.

He stretched his arms around Felix's shoulders and hugged him from behind. He felt he already knew the boy from another life. Just like that to explain the connection he was feeling. They could see the sun almost rising, the sky was gradually getting clearer and that was the sign they needed to get back to that shitty school.

Felix's friends needed to go to the other side of town, so Chan quickly said goodbye to them. Changbin saying _"I hope to see you again",_ Jisung _"take care of Felix"_ and the rest just laughed about how nice it was to meet him. Felix just said _"ignore them"_ , but Chan thought it was funny.

On the way back to school, with his fingers still intertwined with Felix's, they stopped on a bench near the school. Felix immediately rested his head on Chan's shoulder, and Chan also rested his head on the boy's. It was a comfortable position, sharing the feeling of not wanting to return to reality.

"It's so complicated," Felix started to say. "I can't be who I really am there. I can't be who I really am at home, too. The only times I feel myself is when I go out like this with my friends, because I know they would never judge me."

Chan understands, but wanted to hear the boy share his feelings. As much as Felix looked a lot better now, that day must have been pretty fucked up for him. Chan was used to being beaten by others. But he didn't know if that had happened to Felix, and he doesn't want it to happen again.

"It's okay," Chan said as he closed his eyes, his head still resting on the boy's. "I'm here with you now. There's no one to judge us."

After finally building up the courage to go back to school, the sky was already clear.

Another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minho is felix's friend and roommate. and felix's other friends that i didn't name were seungmin and jeongin :)


	3. euphoria

Two weeks of vacation. This means that Chan has to decide whether to go home or stay at school. And it's always a very difficult decision to make, like choosing between the "bad" and the "worst". In this case, his home was the worst. Believe it or not.

Chan grew up hearing from many people that family is everything in life, that family has to be the basis for all your decisions and he always felt like there was something wrong with him. Countless times he asked himself _"what if I'm being ungrateful?"_ or worse _"what if he is hitting me because he cares about me?"._

He watched movies and they portrayed a good and healthy family, with a lot of love and care, a brotherhood that he always wanted to have. Nowadays, he can see how much of it is a lie. Life is much more painful than that. Your real family won't always mean everything to you, and that's okay. He needs to repeat this in order not to forget or get lost, _that's okay_.

He didn't want to have to face his father's disgusted looks. His mother doesn't care enough about him to defend him. His brothers no longer live at home, and they don't care about Chan either.

Doesn't matter. And it's okay.

It was already the fourth day of vacation. Hyunjin had gone to his parents' house and even asked if Chan wanted to go with him, claiming that his parents would love to have him around. But Chan didn't want to bother him, he really didn't want to. Hyunjin deserved to have a rest and if Chan stayed there, maybe he wouldn't be able to. And honestly, he didn't feel good around families, his head always reminded him how much nobody was going to love him that way. Like a brother, like a son. In his mind, he didn't deserve such love and his insecurity didn't help either.

At least, on vacation he could leave school without worrying if anyone was going to find out, as they release students completely. So that was exactly what he was going to do. If his home and school were bad, the best thing to do was to stay away from those two places.

Being a true night owl, he decided to put on his usual clothes around 9pm. He would just get some fresh air to not get moldy in that room. Chan was such a loser that he didn't even like drinks or drugs. That's what you do when you're a mess, right? Drink until you're on the floor or smoke until you doubt what is reality and what is not, and that will make you feel better. But Chan didn't like that. Good for his (physical) health, at least.

Walking down the hallways, he began to hear some strange noises. The school was obviously empty, only five or six students chose to stay in that hell, which is why it was so strange to hear these things. He felt in the same place from a month ago, when he found Felix. But he hopes to be wrong.

He continued to walk, trying to take a deep breath with each step. But he was feeling a tingle at the back of his neck, something was definitely not right.

And as if he had guessed, three boys appeared, out of nowhere. This time the two had brought company, Chan didn't recognize the new face, but knew that he wasn't there to be friends with him.

Chan started cursing the whole world in his head. Apparently he can't have a minute in peace.

He didn't come home wanting to avoid being punched by his father, but the same thing would happen at school.

It's fucking tiring.

The first boy wasted no time, stretching his fist right towards Chan's face. He tried to fight back in the same way, but it didn't take long until the second boy tried to hit his belly too. And then the third kicked his legs, which immediately made him kneel and let out a groan of anger and pain.

Chan didn't really know how he was going to get out of a fight with _three_ people who were definitely pissed at him. He tried everything. He got up and kicked one of the guys on one side, and at the same time hit another guy's head on the wall.

"I didn't know you were a fag too, Christopher, you could have fooled me," the third said, punching his belly nonstop. _Shit_ , the wound on his abdomen hadn't even healed completely and now everything was going to get worse. Hyunjin would definitely be mad at him.

"Fuck you," Chan managed to respond, still trying to compose himself. For a three-on-one fight he was doing well.

He took the head of this third guy and kicked him with his knee as hard as he could, making the guy scream in pain and his nose bleed on the spot. Chan smiled, it was the most satisfying feeling possible to see him bleed. Soon after, still holding his head, he hit on the wall and made the guy faint. He wasn't dead, he just passed out or some shit. And if Chan wanted to survive today, he definitely had to make the other two pass out or run away.

Now, he turned his attention to the other two assholes. He felt his nose start to bleed as well and his head felt dizzy. He should be more careful. He had a plan B just in case, but only if he couldn't erase them.

"You should accept it, Christopher. Sinners must be punished," one said. Chan started to laugh again, it was too much for him to process. He can't believe this. He feels even more angry because they can't stop calling him by his real name.

He always did everything to forget his old days. He did everything to be a completely different person, who had nothing to do with his family, who tried to survive each day without freaking out and all of this led him to decide his new name: Chan.

And they didn't even know how to respect that.

"Sin? You're sinning as much as I am," Chan replied, spitting some blood out of his mouth. He was tired, mainly from the wound in his abdomen that burned _as hell_ again.

He tried to take the first step and hit the belly of one of them, but the other was faster and started to grab his arm, twisting. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. They were trying to break his arm and Chan couldn't let that happen. He tried to stop him with his other hand and kicked his knee over and over.

But this wasn't a fair fight, it was still two against one. Chan had nowhere to run, and the other guy managed to finish the job. He didn't break his arm, but he had definitely broken his right hand.

Chan screamed in pain, he couldn't finish the other two like that. He was desperate, maybe he had to resort to his plan B.

Chan tried to contain his screams and dodged their punches, starting to run as fast as he could. He had to focus on not passing out from the pain. Chan ran, ran a lot, ran _very fast_...

Until his room. The two were almost catching up. Chan looked for his secret weapon under the bed.

A gun.

How did he have that? Nice question. He always gets involved in fights and has learned a thing or two over the years. There will always be someone who will try to kill you (the worst case scenario, of course) and you need to be prepared.

He's not proud of that.

He took the gun with his left hand, trying not to move his already broken right hand.

He left the room and the two boys were already arriving. When they saw the gun pointed at them, they immediately started to take a step back.

Chan wanted to laugh again. It's funny how brave everyone is until they see a gun pointed at them. He had never killed anyone, and he really hopes today isn't his first time.

"Just fucking leave me alone, and never touch my boy again or I'll go after you myself," Chan said, trying to ignore the pain his right hand was causing.

The two still looked pissed off, but they got the message again. Hopefully, once and for all. Chan didn't want to have to deal with this a third time.

He dropped the gun on the floor and sat down near his bedroom door. The best part? The gun wasn't even loaded. Chan hadn't needed it in a long time.

He took a deep breath, trying to control the pain. His head was full of blood, as well as part of his belly. Hyunjin wasn't there and Chan really didn't want to give him any trouble again.

Felix? He should call the boy.

Right?

No. He _shouldn't_.

But he needed someone, he needed to see Felix. He wasn't going to be able to manage with his hand broken and as hurt as he was.

He thought for a few minutes, always taking a deep breath.

Okay, he has to swallow his pride and call someone. Anyone.

He decided to call Felix, even with his heart sinking. He took out the phone with his left hand and pressed the button.

One, two, three seconds...

"Hello?" he heard Felix's sweet voice say, that was enough for him to calm down.

"Can you find me here at school?" Chan managed to ask without sounding desperate, still breathing deeply.

Felix took a while to answer, Chan even wondered if it had been the right decision to actually call him until...

"I'm on my way."

* * *

Chan took the time to put his gun under the bed again. He took Hyunjin's small bag and looked for bandages and things to help him. To be honest, getting into so many fights is tiring. He already said that but it's _true_. He felt that anyone could kill him, at any time.

Before Chan could start cleaning up all the blood, Felix appeared in front of his door.

That was fast.

It's painful to see the worried look of the ones he cares the most in his life. He didn't get into fights on purpose (he swears!), the universe just hated him.

"Oh God, I saw blood down the hall and couldn't believe it," Felix said, coming desperately towards Chan. The boy immediately held his face. "Fuck, it was because of me, wasn't it?"

"No, it _wasn't_ because of you," Chan replied softly. He tried to give him a small smile, always trying to hide the pain he was feeling. "I'm fine, I just needed to see you."

Chan said and it was true. Sure, he needed someone because he couldn't do anything with his broken hand, but most of all he wanted to see the boy. Deep down, that was the biggest motivation for him to call. He also needed to know if he was okay, if the boys wouldn't go after him and do something worse.

"Stop fucking lying to me, you're not okay. What did they do to you? What did they _say_ to you? I'm gonna kill them," Felix said, there were tears in his eyes. Chan could only find it funny how cute he was being angry.

"Are you mad at me?" Chan asked with his head down.

"Of course not. Fuck, you almost died and it's all because of me," Felix said, still holding Chan's face, stroking his cheeks. "I'm so fucking sorry, Chan. You don't deserve this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being here."

"Stop apologizing, _please_. I beg you," Chan said, taking a deep breath and shaking his head. "Just... stay with me tonight."

Felix looked at him, tears streaming down his face and continued to stroke his cheek. Chan liked the affection, but didn't like to see Felix cry. He wiped the tears from the boy's face with his fingers.

Felix started to see what was in that bag that could help clean the blood, just like Hyunjin had done last month. He asked for permission to remove Chan's black shirt and stood up.

He wiped the blood over his belly, seeing the small cut from the last time. Then soon he saw that Chan's hand was broken and put on a plaster with a bandage to immobilize. Hyunjin really had everything in that bag, something wonderful because Chan didn't want to go to the doctor. Felix always asking if he was hurting a lot and Chan said no, because he really wasn't hurting as much as before. He just had to keep his hand still for a long time. Days, weeks.

After doing everything he had to do, Felix saw the medications in his bag. He found Profenid, Chan had to take it every twelve hours. He also found Tylenol, for the pain that would do. Fuck all the advertisements about not taking medication without consulting a doctor first.

Chan's head was no longer so dizzy and he was able to breathe better. Felix was still looking at him concerned, but he understands, if it was the other way around he would be too.

"I won't let them do that to you again either, ever," Felix said, bringing back the promise that Chan made the first time. The boy kissed Chan's forehead and he felt safe there, with Felix. "C'mon, you need to take a quick shower. You'll feel better."

Felix took Chan's left hand, leading him to the bathroom. The bathrooms had small showers, they were horrible and they didn't always have hot water, but that's okay.

With a broken hand, it was difficult to do even the simplest tasks and Felix noticed this, and apparently was willing to help him.

"I think I can take it myself," Chan said, the reality that he would have to be naked in front of Felix was starting to look crazy.

"Stop complicating things, let me help you," Felix said. "If you're really ashamed, I can take it with you."

Chan still wasn't sure. Don't get him wrong, he knew Felix just wanted to help, but he was still extremely insecure around the boy.

"It's like taking swimming lessons," Felix said, trying to calm him down. "You can't wet this bandage on your hand and you can't move it either, it will be easier if I help you."

Felix was right.

The boy also took off his shirt, showing Chan that he was going to bathe with him and really just wanted to help him.

Felix turned on the shower water, adjusting it to be warm. Chan stayed close to the water but not completely under it. Finally, Felix took off his underwear and Chan tried not to look too much.

"It's okay, it's just you and me. I trust you, do you trust me too?" Felix said, the moment seemed so intimate and that was the courage he needed to take off his underwear, too.

"I do," Chan said. More than anything, he trusts him.

Felix took the soap and started to pass on Chan's shoulders. Chan felt bad about giving the boy so much trouble. He continued to pass the soap over his abdomen, his arms, completely drawing out any blood he had. Chan's wound burned with the water, but it was necessary. Felix asked Chan to turn around and he did. The boy ran soap over his back, his legs, then rinsed everything. Chan tried to stay as still as possible and tried not to get his hand wet, because he couldn't.

He asked Chan to turn around again and he did. It was his hair's turn. Felix wetted Chan's hair, applying just a little shampoo and washing it carefully. Felix smiled as he looked Chan in the eye. He was so beautiful, Chan will never get tired of saying that.

Lastly, after rinsing Chan's head, he also washed his face. Chan closed his eyes for that moment. He felt very close to Felix. He felt comfortable, he felt safe. He felt cared for, and even loved.

Love? Since when? Chan was startled for a moment and opened his eyes. When he opened, Felix was still looking at him.

Love?

"Channie," Felix said, the boy seemed to want to say something, but Chan felt a sudden urge to touch the boy's lips. With his left hand he ran his thumb over his lips, and it made Felix's breathing more intense.

Of course, Chan was very attracted to the boy whenever he saw him, but he had never thought about love.

Chan approached the boy and finally ended the distance between them. He started to kiss the boy slowly, caressing his cheeks and pulling him as close as possible. It just seemed _right_ , he tasted like strawberries and it must be because of the lipstick that he always uses. Maybe a little bit of cigarettes, or he's just imagining things.

His body, naked and wet, was completely against Felix's. Chan was so ashamed at first but now he just wanted some more. And as if the boy had guessed, he subtly felt Felix's small hands touch his waist.

And then the fear (that big insecure part of his stupid brain) that Felix wouldn't want the kiss was so big that he quickly separated. Chan looked at him, confused.

"I'm sorry," he said. He was really just that insecure and didn't want to destroy the wonderful relationship he has with Felix.

And before he could process any other excuse to give, Felix was already kissing him again. Eager, this time.

Chan had the confirmation he needed, he felt so happy that he tried to demonstrate all of that through that single kiss. He wanted to show how much he liked the boy, how much he wanted to kiss him since the first time he saw him. How much he loved being with him.

Felix understood and tried to return everything with the same intensity. The kiss was slow but at the same time full of desire. Felix slowly lowered his hands even more, squeezing slightly Chan's skin.

"Can I?" Felix asked, lowering his hands further.

"Please," Chan replied, his head was getting dizzy again but it was from desire. He hadn't realized how much he wanted Felix until now.

It's a pity that they only see themselves in sad circumstances. Always after some bad event, but he wants to change that.

Felix started to kiss Chan's cheek, going down to his neck and at the same time started to run his tiny hand over Chan's cock, stroking gently. He was already half hard and Chan hated himself for it, he wanted to know how to control himself more. Chan placed his left hand on Felix's neck encouraging him to continue kissing his body. And Felix was willing to drive him crazy, increasing the speed of his hand more and more.

The boy was careful, trying not to put his hand on any of Chan's injuries. Beside them, the shower water was still on, but none of them cared. Chan pulled Felix into a kiss again, already addicted to the boy's mouth and taste. He was so sweet. Chan wasn't sure if he deserved the boy, he wasn't sure if he deserved anything.

Felix started rubbing his hard cock on Chan's, and the friction made him even crazier. He moaned softly trying to keep the kisses. Felix continued the friction for a while and when he saw that Chan was starting to breathe faster, he also started to slide his hand as fast as he could.

It didn't take long to Chan start coming on the boy's hand with a last loud groan. Felix kissed all parts of Chan's face as he recovered his breath.

And he doesn't know why, but tears started to slide down his face right after seeing stars. Reality had hit him hard again. Chan started to cry in a way he hadn't done in a long time. That's why he always hates it when something good happens to him, because he knows that something worse will come next. He wept with despair, sadness, happiness, agony, desire and _shame_. Of anger and love. He felt that all the pent-up feelings of years was leaving now. And Felix was there for him, hugging him as tightly as he could. He could hear Felix softly saying nonstop _"It's okay, you're safe. I'm not going anywhere."_

He couldn't stop crying and honestly, he didn't want to stop crying. He wanted to cry until all the pain he was feeling stopped.

Sometimes, it's not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ


	4. profiter du moment

That same night, Felix slept in Chan's bed. He spent most of the time stroking his hair and hugging him. Chan struggled to find a comfortable position that wouldn't hurt his hand any further, but Felix's warmth against his body made everything better.

Chan really couldn't stop crying earlier. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he felt his eyes swollen and a surreal headache. His body screamed for help, it looked like someone had hit him and the funny thing is that someone _really did_. Felix even asked if he didn't want to see a real doctor, but as you already know, Chan hates going to doctors.

He moved and that was enough for his body to immediately ask him to be quiet. Felix woke him up so Chan could take the medicine again, and he took it as soon as the boy brought him water. Without Felix's help, everything would be much more difficult to bear. Without Felix in his life, he thinks he can no longer move on.

And it's scary.

He never felt that.

"You probably have a much better place to be, I'm sorry," Chan said, his voice sleepy and husky.

"There is no better place to be than by your side," Felix said, smiling so genuinely that Chan thinks it was the moment he realized he was in love.

An epiphany.

Out of the blue. So quickly.

Love. He has a short list of things he loves. But being in love? It's a curious, funny, scary and wonderful feeling.

He has more dreams than nightmares since he met Felix, and that makes a lot of sense.

Chan felt his breathing get more intense for a moment, trying to assimilate the information that his brain had received, and then he pulled the boy into a hug. A hug full of love and gratitude.

Felix had thanked Chan for saving him that day, but the truth is that Felix saved Chan.

"Go back to sleep, baby," Felix said, still hugging him. Chan felt more awake than ever.

"Tell me a story," Chan said, hoping that he could really go back to sleep. He felt like his body needed it.

Felix smiled.

"I have one to tell you, but it's not that interesting," Felix said, letting out a long breath before starting. "Once upon a time, a boy who always had many dreams. He used to daydream, over and over again, but he was also different. And for many people out there, being different is a big problem. The boy never managed to fit anywhere and for a very long time, he felt like he didn't even belong in his own mind. Everyone wanted him to dress in such a way, everyone wanted him to like certain things and the boy was never able to feel comfortable, even in his own home. The boy spent much of his life confused, not knowing what was wrong with him, he didn’t understand why he felt so bad," Felix paused, sighing. The story was more familiar than Chan wanted it to be.

"The boy, deep down, knew that he had to be himself, even with so many people saying otherwise, even with so many people saying how wrong he was. And the boy also always loved fairy tales, those who had a prince who rescued the princess always caught his attention. Now, of course, he sees this story in a different way, but that happened to him in _real life_. The boy, who loved these stories, was saved by another boy, and that made him feel for the first time, _special_. The boy was delighted by the look of the other boy, because for the first time it wasn't pity. It was pure curiosity."

Chan listened carefully and knew exactly who the other boy in the story was.

Felix looked down a little to see Chan's reaction.

"Sorry, I'm a horrible storyteller. I don't have an ending for this one," he said, smiling again. Chan felt the boy's small hand on his cheek.

"It's a really special story, though," Chan replied. Felix finally pulled him for a kiss. A soft and passionate kiss. "I'm sure the boy will be fine."

Chan kissed the boy and wanted to know if Felix could feel the same way. Have you ever loved someone to death? It's like being vulnerable, like being adrift, but at the same time he felt like he belonged somewhere. Chan belonged to Felix's side.

Chan was falling so deep. But this is the beauty of love, you don't choose when it will happen, you have no sense of greatness until you really experience it.

The kiss was simply calm. It was like they had all the time in the world and they really did. They had all the time to live, to change, to fall in love even more. Chan had horrible experiences with _time_. Time always meant that he couldn't stand still, that he had no right to rest. Time has always been a big monster for him, especially in depressive episodes. But time now seemed to want to make it up to him. Time meant hope. He had all the time in the world to be with Felix.

The feeling of being completely in the present was incredible. For the first time, he didn't feel bad about the past, nor did he dwell on the future. All that mattered was the present. Here. The moment.

And to live in the moment means to be kissing Felix now.

* * *

Hours later, Chan was called by the school's principal. His father had come to see him. Unfortunately.

Remember when he said that he is always afraid when something good happens because there is always the after, and the after is always worse?

Well...

His father probably wanted to know why Chan didn't go home, or else he found something, it's always hard to know what he wants. Felix had stayed in his room waiting, claiming that he wouldn't leave so he wouldn't miss his medication schedule.

(The truth: Felix just wanted to be by his side.)

When he saw his father's face, mixed feelings took over him. He couldn't describe it, but it was distressing.

His father looked at him as always, with disgust and disappointment. Chan sat across from him and said nothing. He didn't talk about Chan's injuries, he didn't even talk about his hand. He didn't care about him at all.

After what seemed like hours, his father finally got up, walked to Chan and, without any explanation, slapped his face. Chan kept his face to the side. It burned, but it didn't hurt like it used to. Not like it hurted years ago.

Yeah, he should have seen it coming. His father didn't need to be home to show his hatred for him. He should be used to it.

"Always causing fights and getting me into trouble," his father said, the harsh tone in his voice. "Was it because of a girl, at least?"

Chan tried, really tried, but _couldn't_ contain his laughter. His father wasn't only a bad person, but a very stupid one too. He almost had the courage to say _no_ , it hadn't been a girl but a boy, a boy he was completely in love with and no matter how many times he slapped his face, nothing would change that. But he chose to remain silent, since it wasn't worth it.

In fact, while his father was doing a monologue about how Chan was the worst person in the world, he decided that this would be the last time he would see him. Chan would get any job, leave this fucking school, could even sleep on the streets if necessary, but he would never see his father ever again. Chan wanted to try to be happy once and for all.

Family is who you _choose_ to be. Home is where you _want_ to be.

Hyunjin is his family. Felix is his home.

"I have a reputation and don't want you to ruin it, do you understand?" it was the last thing his father said before walking out the door.

Chan understood. He understood a lot.

He understood that his life would be better without him.

Families really aren't like those in the movies.

* * *

Returning to the room, Chan swallowed his tears. He didn't want to cry here, he didn't want to cry now, not again. He was really trying. The only thing he wanted was to get out of that school as soon as possible.  
  
  
_What if we run away?  
  
  
_Felix, who was lying down, came towards him and hugged him again, as if he could feel that something was definitely wrong. Chan returned the warm hug and continued to focus on his breathing, he really needed to get out of there.  
  
  
_What if we left today?  
  
  
_"I don't want to be here anymore," Chan confessed, quietly. Later he would come back to get all his things, but he just wanted to get out of that place so he could breathe better. He felt like he was being choked.

"Let's get out of here, then," one of the things he loved most about Felix is that everything with him seems easy. Everything with him means hope and that was the certainty he had to keep him around for the rest of his life.  
  
  
_What if we said goodbye to safe and sound?  
  
  
_Felix took Hyunjin's small bag (which seemed to be more Chan's bag now) and put his phone inside. He took a sweater for Chan and pulled him out of the room. On the sidewalk, outside of school, Chan already felt better, but still not well enough. He soon discovered that Felix had come to school to find him on a bicycle. A bicycle big enough to fit Chan in the back.

Chan thought it was cute, the bike had a mixture of pink, purple and gray, and that _screamed_ Felix.

"One day I'm going to have a driver's license and a car to open the front door for you, but for now you need to get used to this baby girl here," Felix said laughing. Apparently it was a very precious object for him and that immediately made Chan smile too. Felix put the bag aside on his waist and climbed on top of the bike. Chan soon followed, sitting on the small seat behind and held on to his thin waist.

He didn't know where he was going and Felix didn't say anything, but he trusted the boy. The wind he felt while on the streets was so good, he soon started to lean more on Felix's body and hugged him from behind, always making sure his broken hand was safe. The contrast between the cold wind and Felix's warm body against his made him feel like himself again, for a second.  
  
  
_What if we're hard to find?_  
  
  
He understood the concept of youth and love for the first time. People say that to be young is to enjoy the moment and he agrees with that, but they also treat youth as a perfect moment in life, and that is the big problem. Everyone says that when you think about your high school days in the future, you'll miss it so much, but Chan thinks exactly the opposite. High school is a painful time, it's a time full of confusion and people telling you what you should be. And that hurts, because most of the time, you just want to survive until you're on your 20s. And when you're 20, it's not that extraordinary change as everyone tells you it is.

Living youth also means finding love. Somehow, somewhere, you find love. And it comes in the little things, motivation comes in the little things. Chan understood that better now.

Living the youth also means making difficult decisions, like the ones Chan was making now. Deciding to drop out of school and never see his parents again is not an easy decision, but one he needs to make. And that's okay, if that means Chan can ever be genuinely happy.

It's okay, but it's also, deep down, not okay.  
  
  
_What if we lost our minds?_  
  
  
Felix took him to a small island nearby, it looked more like a beach but was completely empty. What day is today? He was losing track of time. He took his phone out of Hyunjin's small bag and checked.

Tuesday. That explains why it was empty. Felix finally parked and put his feet on the ground, Chan did the same and got off the bike.

If he thinks about it, (almost) every time he felt good somehow, he was close to the water. That day in swimming class, the other day in the bathroom with Felix and this moment right now, watching the sea.

He calmly went to the edge, walking on the sand, feeling his body heavier than ever. He took off his shoes, leaving each one somewhere on the beach, without caring too much. He also took off his shirt, letting the sun burn his skin.

He looked, the small waves in the sea, some birds in the sky. Everything so peaceful, and in contrast, his head looked like it was going to explode. He closed his eyes and he started screaming, trying to get the pain out of his chest. Crying didn't help much, so his body found another way. He hadn't planned any of this, he just felt the need to scream. No tears fell from his face, maybe there were no more tears left to cry. He screamed, screamed so much that probably the nearest town was listening. In his ears, those screams sounded like monsters leaving his body.

It didn't take long before he felt Felix hugging him from behind, holding him tight as he always did, running his hand over his belly, trying to calm him down. He kept shouting even though the boy hugged him. And Felix remained there.

He screamed until he was hoarse, until he started feeling _dizzy_.

Until Felix started to pull him back, slowly, still hugging him. When Chan finally felt his voice break, he stopped.  
  
  
_What if...?_  
  
  
Felix made Chan sit. He breathed heavily, closing his eyes trying to compose himself. It's what he had said before, youth is definitely painful.

They remained silent, Chan leaned his back on one of the rocks and Felix leaned his head on Chan's shoulders.

"When I think of the city without me, I feel relief," Chan said, his voice so husky that he was surprised. But he could speak, that was a good thing. Felix held out a small bottle of water so he could get hydrated and looked at him.

The wind was blowing again, he liked the freedom it brought. Chan drank some water and felt his throat dry just the same.

"There is nothing to keep me here," Felix said, he seemed to be serious. "Changbin and Jisung live on the other side of town and I'm sure they would love to receive us," Felix gave the idea.

When Chan thought about leaving school and never seeing his father again, the first thing that came to mind was Felix. He didn't want to leave the boy, he had to be by his side to fulfill his promise to always protect him.

That was a promise he couldn't break.

"Would you run away with me?" Chan asked, almost like a whisper. Deep down, he was kinda scared of the answer.

"I would," Felix said, leaning his forehead against Chan's. Slowly, he pressed his mouth to the boy's, feeling his lips so, _so_ soft. "I would go to the end of the world with you."

"That's really far away, though," Chan replied laughing, his mouth still touching the boy's. Felix laughed too and ran his fingers through Chan's hair, stroking. He always melted with any of these gestures.

"And back again, till the end of the world and back," Felix completed. Chan smiled between the kisses Felix was now giving him over and over. He held the boy's chin with his left hand, making him stop and admired his face. Did he already say how beautiful Felix is?

"I'm not gonna leave you behind," Chan whispered. He continued to make promises, but he would keep them. Whatever it takes. Chan went back to kissing his mouth. Even without lipstick the boy was still as sweet as he remembered.

He would run away with the boy of his dreams, the fairy tale boy. He would start over and live his youth any way he wanted.

He wanted to never remember his old days.

The kiss slowly got deeper, all tongue and teeth, and Chan was loving it. They continued like that for a long time. Nothing to get in the way, nothing but each other's company. Letting the wind take all the worries, responsibilities and problems.

"You know, I keep having this dream since the day I met you, where you produces music and I keep dancing," Felix broke the kiss to say, like it's a secret. "And one day you called me to be part of a big group or project. The dream is confusing and it always cuts in certain parts, but it's definitely you in it," Felix continued, thinking. "I think the project means that we should definitely get away from this city, so I'm not afraid at all."

Chan gave Felix one last peck and smiled.

"I liked the part where you danced," Chan confessed. Felix rolled his eyes and smiled back, returning to the sweet kisses.

He was also not afraid.

Have you ever felt this way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> running away is a happy ending, right? i hope so haha
> 
> so... i have this way of thinking that absolutely no story i write is good enough but... yeah the end.
> 
> "profiter du moment" means "enjoy the moment", it's a reference to the movie (your name engraved herein).
> 
> thank you for taking your precious time to read!
> 
> i always like to know what people thought or felt so i can improve, even if it's something bad you can talk/comment! i promise i'll send hugs just like chan (me begging, as usual) PLS!
> 
> anyways, just love for everyone! <3


End file.
